Workplace Policies (Effective Immediately) 1.1 Disagreements Minor disagreements shall be settled with small acts of violence: a slap to the face, a stapler to the groin, or a laptop to the knees are just a few examples. Employees may use any workplace object or surface in order to injure other employees. Remember: violence encourages others to better understand your way of thinking, and fosters respect in future disagreements. Those who attempt to settle minor disagreements with reason and dialogue shall be in violation of The Code. Major disagreements shall be settled by dropping the gloves and chucking knuckles. The last employee standing shall be considered in the right, though both employees shall be sent home for the duration of that workday. Third parties in disagreements are strictly forbidden, and any third party combatants shall be sent home without pay for the duration of the workweek, though will be considered to have grit and admirable character. Third party incidents shall be ignored if the number of those in the disagreement grows to include the division or team its entirety. Those not participating in a full-division disagreement shall be in violation of The Code and will be considered to be absent of grit and admirable character. 1.2 Benefits and Compensation Benefits and compensation shall henceforth be awarded without reason or rationale. Lower level employees will inexplicably, at times, be better compensated than executives or long-serving employees. Those in the Toronto offices shall be compensated at a rate double of that in regional offices. Performance shall have little to do with compensation. Unquantifiable intangibles will be cited as reasons for inflated remuneration. Those who have outstanding fourth quarters shall be rewarded for that quarter in ignorance of all previous quarters. Those who carry the bulk of the workload and adhere to The Code shall be rewarded in empty platitudes, but not monetarily, though will be considered to have grit and admirable character. 1.3 Responsibility Failure and underperformance by teams and divisions shall fall upon the team leaders and divisional executives. If teams or divisions fail to meet expectations, the team leader or divisional executive shall be summarily dismissed. Teams and divisions will publicly praise their dismissed leaders, and will promise to continue to support the organization with efforts of no less than 110%. 1.4 Discrimination and Harassment We expect and demand a respectful and professional work environment. Discrimination shall not be accepted under any circumstances, with the following exceptions: If it involves Europeans. If it involves French Canadians. If it involves non-Canadians. If its really funny. Harassment shall be tolerated only under the following circumstances: If it involves interns. If it involves first-year employees. If it involves guys who had it coming. If its really funny. For circumstances that do not fall into the above categories, please refer to The Code. 1.5 Statement on the Bearing of Firearms Carrying of firearms is strictly prohibited. This is not the NFL. 1.6 Health & Safety All workplace-related injuries and illnesses shall be kept private, and referred to only as upper- and lower-body ailments. Employees who are absent while suffering from workplace-related injuries and illnesses shall be considered to be lacking grit and admirable character. Should an employee be absent due to non-workplace health issues (hangovers, STDs, pregnant in an adulterous affair), their ailment shall be referred to as the flu or food poisoning. Information concerning hangovers, STDs, and pregnancies from adulterous affairs shall be kept within the organization, under the purview of The Code, and because they are indicative of grit and admirable character. For safety purposes, suits and protective headwear shall be worn at all times on the premises, and removed only in instances of disagreements (see 1.1) or celebration. Athletic supporters are not mandatory, but, cmon. 1.7 Nepotism Nepotism shall be rewarded and encouraged. Family members of previously successful employees shall be determined to possess equal or superior skills to the aforementioned. Automatic respect will be garnered. 1.8 Alcohol & Drugs Use of alcohol and drugs on work premises are strictly forbidden, except during celebrations or getting ready for a big day. Alcohol and drug use on employees personal time shall be discouraged, though ignored if said employees are productive or adhere to The Code or have grit and admirable character. 1.9 Media Relations After each workday, all employees shall be required to address the media. Team leaders and divisional executives shall issue brief statements, followed by terse and adversarial responses to the medias questions. The media shall, at all times, be considered ill-informed and intrusive. Employees will be permitted to answer questions with only the following five responses: We gave a 100% and put in a full day. Its all about the team. I refer you to The Code. Were taking it one day at a time. Only time will tell. Any media member who challenges the policies or activities of the organization will be questioned for not having previously worked in our industry, and dismissed for a lack of understanding of The Code or the merits of those who have grit and admirable character. 2.0 Treatment of Co-Workers All co-workers shall refer to each other by their first name or surname with a –y added to the end (Smith=Smithy or Smitty, Dave=Davey) or by a nickname that is equally affectionate and insulting. Adolescent, insulting, and vile language is henceforth the norm. Employees are encouraged to insult co-workers by calling each other by names that are not gender appropriate, referring to having intercourse with each others mothers and/or partners, and to question both the size and effectiveness of employees manhood. Such language is noted to adhere to The Code, and those who excel at its employment are seen to have grit and admirable character. 2.1 Transferability Henceforth, all employee contracts are transferable. Without notice or warning, any employee may be transferred to another organization. Reasoning for the transfer must include: Spite. Mismanagement. An attempt to shake things up. Disagreement over compensation. Perceived disrespect. Employees request. Failure to adhere to The Code. Lack of grit and/or admirable character. Alternately, employees may now be demoted to subsidiary organizations with lesser facilities in lesser locations, though these subsidiaries are known to foster grit and admirable character. 2.2 Repercussions Minor violation of any of these policies, or any act that violates The Code, will result in a half-day banishment to a secured cubicle that has been built in each divisions workspace. While in the secured cubicle, penalized employees will feel shame. Major violations shall require suspensions at the purview of management, though the length of any suspension shall not be related to any other. At the discretion of management, minor and major violations may be ignored if they are deemed to fall under the discretion of The Code. In such instances, the offending party shall be labeled as having grit and admirable character. Conclusion Each of these policies may change without notice or rationale at the discretion of management, and every 4-8 years the workplace shall be shutdown for 8 months to reevaluate all policies to the great frustration of our valued customers. All employees are forthwith encouraged to adhere to The Code and develop grit and admirable character, or they should go work for a European organization. Interested parties may opt to enroll in the organizations monthly character building workshops on the Sutter Family farm in Viking, Alberta. [url=https://www.heatlockerroom.com/Shaquille-Oneal-City-Edition-Jersey/]Shaquille ONeal Jersey[/url] . MacArthur scored two goals, and the Senators outlasted Detroit in a testy third period to beat the Red Wings 4-2 on Saturday night. [url=https://www.heatlockerroom.com/Jimmy-Butler-City-Edition-Jersey/]Jimmy Butler Jersey[/url] . 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"I think this is a case where the lines are deeply drawn in the sand," said attorney Richard Emery.(SportsNetwork.com) - The Anaheim Ducks will try to take the Western Conference semifinals on Wednesday by recording a fourth straight win over the Los Angeles Kings in Game 6 from Staples Center. You can watch the game live on TSN and TSN GO at 9:30pm et/6:30pm pt. Anaheim lost the first two games of this best-of-seven series on home ice, but has since rattled off three consecutive victories to grab a 3-2 advantage over the Kings. The Ducks became the first home team to win a game in this series when it notched a 4-3 win in Mondays Game 5 encounter in Orange County. The Kings, however, are unbeaten in elimination games this spring. L.A. won four in a row to beat San Jose in the opening round after dropping the first three games of that set, becoming the fourth club in NHL history to win a series after falling behind 3-0. The emergence of John Gibson has been the big story over the last two games, as the Ducks rookie goaltender is 2-0 with a 1.50 goals against average and .957 save percentage since getting the surprise start in Game 4. The 20-year- old posted a 28-save shutout in his postseason debut in Game 4 at Los Angeles and stopped 39-of-42 shots in Mondays close victory. "I think I got tested more," said Gibson after Game 5. "I got more shots, and the guys did a really good job in front of me again. Thats why were winning." Devante Smith-Pelly scored twice on Monday to help move Anaheim one victory away from its first appearance in the conference finals since 2007, when the team won its only Stanley CCup title.dddddddddddd "Its huge. Thats a pretty good team over there and we dont want to give them too many chances to get off the mat," said Smith-Pelly about the upcoming game. "Were going to be ready for that game, for sure." Nick Bonino and Jakob Silfverberg also scored goals for the Ducks, who won the Pacific Division title this year before beating the Dallas Stars in the opening round. Ducks forward Mathieu Perreault returned Monday from a one-game absence due to a lower-body injury. He assisted on one of Smith-Pelleys goals and has five points (2G, 3A) in nine postseason games this spring. Fellow forward Matt Beleskey has missed the last two games for Anaheim with a lower-body injury and is questionable for Game 6. Marian Gaborik lit the lamp twice in the loss and Trevor Lewis added the other goal for the Kings. Jonathan Quick give up all four goals on 24 shots in the loss. "Now we have to go home and win a home game," said Los Angeles forward Anze Kopitar. "Thats the bottom line. There is no secret to it. We want to come back here and give us a chance." Gaborik leads all players with eight goals in the playoffs, while Kopitar has 16 points for the top spot in the postseason The Kings, the 2012 Stanley Cup champions, are attempting to make the conference final round for a third straight spring. This series, which has been dubbed the "Freeway Faceoff," is the first playoff matchup between these Southern California rivals. ' ' '